The Biggest Loser Principle

I've had coffee with many groups of mothers over the years and always heard similar conversations. Someone will raise a parenting issue that they are struggling with, and despite plenty of suggestions, none will really seem like the right solution to this problem. Having been a mother for over 11 years now, I know that more than our ideas, other mothers really just want our support. Because, to deal with most parenting problems, you have to face the fear of change before you're ready to actually make any change.

This topic came up with a colleague the other day, and I suggested that it's like The Biggest Loser. All of those people on the show, at some point realise that the way things are is much worse than the could be if they changed. As my friend put it, "The pain of change is less than the pain of remaining the same." I think this is a pretty good principle in life - the Biggest Loser Principle.

We can offer our friends, co-workers, family and clients all sorts of advice and support, but ultimately, people only change when the scales swing in favour of change and they find the inner strength to move towards that preferred outcome rather than stay in their comfort zone. That's when we need to be good friends and step in as their cheer squad when their motivation and enthusiasm fades. But, we can never get that ball rolling. Only they can. Just like on The Biggest Loser.

Flying with Kids

I'm about to take my 9 year old son with me to New Zealand to visit my grandmother. This is the second time I'm taking one of the kids to visit her, having taken my daughter 2 years ago when she was 5.

I'm becoming a savvy traveller with kids, and this time, instead of buying the cheapest airfare I could afford, I've made sure I've got the cheapest package I could find.

You see last time, I flew with a no-frills, no-food airline. I'd packed plenty of games and books and food to get us through the 3 hour flight, but I hadn't thought about what would happen if the person beside us wasn't so organised. True to Murphy's Law, the person beside us was the mother of a flight attendant, so she received every bit of food and drink complimentary, as well as the use of one of those little DVD things they have on those airlines. My daughter managed to cope with the feelings of jealousy, long enough for us to get out of the airport and into a McDonald's store when we finally arrived in Auckland.

Then on the return trip, I convinced her to have a sleep and I'd buy her a hot breakfast rather than eat in the very expensive airport before our 7am flight. That was all good, except that the airline put us up the back of the plane because of her age, and by the time the food cart got to us they'd sold out of hot breakfasts. Once again, we coped long enough to crawl through immigration and find Daddy and the boys, who were only too happy to take us out to breakfast after our week away.

This time around, I've chosen to fly with Air New Zealand. I'm looking forward to having breakfast on the plane, a nice cup of tea, and watching a movie while my son does the same thing beside me. It won't matter what other people do, because this is true luxury for our family!

Sometimes, you really do get what you pay for, but as that MasterCard ad reminds us, what price do you pay for peace and no stress? It's priceless.

Healthy Young Athletes

My kids were keen swimming trainers over last summer and all moved up into squads of varying difficulty. But it's clear to everyone in our family, that though they have lovely technique, they don't really have the speed to do really well at swimming.

I love the kids playing team sports through winter because I think it teaches them so much about the world. They learn how to work with others, even when they don't really like them. They learn to take direction from others and to sacrifice their own goals for the good of the team. The learn to win and lose gracefully too. But overall, I think getting kids into sport gives them physical activity habits that will set them up well for adulthood.

Other friends have had their children swimming through the winter, and the coach has often asked through them when we are coming back. We returned to swimming just a few weeks ago, but then the colds and flu moved in, so we held off while everyone got well. It's now been six weeks and the kids are still coughing and sneezing, so I think we still have another couple of weeks rest ahead of us. But still the coach asks.

I have to say it's really starting to annoy me. I'm feeling pressured to get our kids back to swimming. But lets face it, they're aged 7, 9, and 11. They could still be Olympic swimmers and not have been in the water yet. So today I'm just reminding myself that I'm the parent and she's the coach. As a parent, I know my kids need to be well to enjoy life to the full, so the best place for them at the moment isn't the pool, but at home.

There's plenty of time to swim next month and the month after. Now I just have to pluck up the courage to be strong in front of the coach. That might be a little harder...

Leftover Vegetable Soup

For the last couple of years, I've discovered a liking for soups, particularly just before I go shopping and I've got a fridge full of aging produce.

I've discovered that you can throw just about any vegetables together to make a tasty soup, but today's was a particularly nice batch, so I'll record it here for future reference.

Put chopped zucchini, broccoli, half a cup of soaked lentils and corn off the cob into a large saucepan with about a litre of water and some miso soup paste. Bring to the boil then simmer for 10 minutes or so.

Add a wedge of chopped pumpkin and a tin of berlotti beans, stir well and simmer for another 10-15 minutes. Take off the heat and season with salt and pepper.

Serve when ready with a crusty bread roll or add a small packet of udon noodles to the soup.

Yummy!

And the good thing is, it's low in fat but really filling.

Cooking Teaches Children Healthy Food Habits

Have you heard that line, that if you get your kids involved in the kitchen they'll pick up better eating habits?

Why is it that whenever my kids get busy in the kitchen they only really want to make the unhealthy stuff and that it hasn't really changed any of their food habits?

I've had pizza nights where they make their own, and one or two of them will still choose the mega meatlovers, with the token slice of tomato because I've said they have to have one vegetable. Or they'll help make a curry or casserole only to say they don't actually want to eat it when it's time to serve the meal.

Rather than beat myself up as a bad parent, I've actually decided that the best I can do is offer healthy meals full of lots of colour, texture and taste. There's nothing to gain from fights at the dinner table over what they eat, so instead I just offer healthy meals and leave it to them to eat their fill, even if that is mostly plain rice or pasta. I've also taken to cheating by giving them multivitamins so that most of the essentials are covered, even if they're not getting it from food.

The trade off has been that they enjoy helping out in the kitchen without the pressure of eating everything they prepare, and the dinner table is a safe place for conversation and connection, not discipline and arguments.

Having said all that, the cookies were great - I might just have one now with a calming cup of tea.

Jet Truck at Ekka

We went to the Ekka the other night - a huge country fair right here in Brisbane. We had an awesome time as a family, with no tantrums or tears. The highlight for all of us was the night entertainment on the centre oval. I think I've had my fill of woodchopping, whip-cracking, horse-dancing, utes driving and motorbike thrills, but it was the jet truck that really stole the show.

This truck was an old World War 2 truck of some sort with a huge get engine on the back (a bit like the one in the picture, but just not as new!). It drove around the oval, burning off jet fuel with about 20 blasts and the heat could be felt all over the grandstands.

In this age of aggressive occupational health and safety, I can't actually believe that they were allowed to have this crazy contraction. I can just see the headlines - "4000 people burnt to a crisp in crazy Ekka stunt!"

My boys thought it was a ball, and I was just glad when it was over, but it made me realise, that if this is still possible, then surely so many other things are permissible with the right controls in place? As playgrounds and school yards get more and more safety aware that they take away the risk and fun, isn't it time that we had a 'jet truck' approach to childhood also?

Thank goodness that the fireworks finished the night off perfectly and we all got home in one piece. Perhaps we'll go again in a few years time... who's betting the jet truck's back then too!

Work Travel

I've just started packing for a week away at a work conference next week. I had never really been away for work, until I got this job, but after 3 years of regular travel, I've learnt a thing or two about how to pack well.

My top 10 things to pack are:

1. a sleeping mask - because you never know who you'll share a room with, and it's nice to be able to go to sleep when you want, not when everyone else wants
2. your joggers - so you can get some exercise to make up for the huge amounts of artery-clogging food you're offered
3. a packet of paracetamol - headaches always seem to accompany a day of meetings
4. your own pillow - there's nothing like having the comfort of your own pillow to make up for a different bed
5. your phone charger - leaving this at home brings much heartache
6. slippers - there's nothing nicer for the end of a long day or for those early mornings when you're waiting for your turn in the shower
7. a mattress protector - sleeping on a plastic-coated mattress covered in just a sheet is not my idea of luxury
8. something to read - if you get woken up early and you can't get back to sleep, at least you have something to do without having to get out of bed
9. a headlamp or torch - to help you read without disturbing other
10. going out pj's - it's time to leave the daggy t-shirt and shorts or the fancy lingerie at home and pack decent pyjamas that you don't mind being seen in

Now I just have to follow my own advice and make sure I pack it all...

Mother Guilt

I had two children home sick yesterday, one of them very ill. Yet, I had a work commitment that I needed to fulfil. Have you ever been in that boat?

In the end I settled the very sick child into bed with the phone and ran out the door, fixing up my work matter in one hour, and returning home to find him still fast asleep. As I was driving back home, I had a real sense of not being a good mother. What mother does that - leaves a sick child at home for work?

I've discovered in the last decade of mothering, that these decisions pop up all too often. Should I go on that work trip or stay and see that special concert? Will my child cope if I don't see them win a ribbon at the sports carnival because I've got a client to see? Is feeding my children toasted sandwiches for dinner really that bad when I've got so much work to do?

I've decided that parenting is all about the 51%. It doesn't matter what you do 49% of the time, as long as 51% of the time, you get it right, and throw in a few peak moments in the year where they know without a doubt that you love them to bits.

An article in The Australian on the weekend (25-26 July, Inquirer 19) covered just this topic of "The Struggle to Juggle". It said that the most telling finding from the Australian Work and Life Index 2009 were that a large proportion of women "feel rushed or pressed for time". The researchers felt this was because generally, all workers work more than the want, but also because women carry the major burden of running households.

It just reminded me that life is all about balance, maintaining the spheres of work, caring for yourself and your family, maintaining your home and having fun in some sort of functional equilibrium. I'm not saying it's easy though!

Inoculatte

I've been reading the book 101 Things to Do Before You Diet, by Mimi Spencer. It's all about taking up a healthy lifestyle, rather than getting caught up in fad diets and wasting hours pondering how your body is going to ruin while you stuff your mouth with cake.

I've really been enjoying the book which is full of commonsense, plenty of research and bucketfuls of fun.

Today I stumbled across the concept of 'inoculatte'. It's a term dubbed by the Washington Post to the habit of "taking coffee intravenously when you're running late" and indicates a greater social problem with food - not having enough time to prepare healthy meals.

I work in an organisation where people consume heaps of coffee, and as a non-coffee drinker, it's easy to get sucked into the hot chocolates to match their high consumption. This paragraph today just reminded me how important it is to plan meals, no just run out the door and think about lunch at 12pm, which I've been getting into a habit of when I go into work.

Mimi talks about how life has always included food, and that there is so much more to food than the simple eating. We need to remember the social aspects of eating, like eating together around a table and enjoying a conversation, all the while slowing our meals down so we aid digestion as well as connection with others. She also talks about taking pleasure in our food, and not getting caught up on the guilt of particular foods and then gorging ourselves on those foods to deal with our guilt.

I know I've spent plenty of time thinking about eating healthier this week, and as a result, I've actually been enjoying my time in the kitchen, rather than dreading it. I can only hope that this continues!

MasterChef Winner

With an afternoon sleep under our belts, my husband, the 3 kids and myself all lept on the couch to enjoy the finale of MasterChef. We only got into the series a couple of weeks ago, but it really has lifted everyone's interest in food, cooking and the presentation of meals.

For dinner last night, I put a whole lot of leftovers on the bench with a loaf of bread and the sandwich press and let everyone make their own meal. My daughter was careful to 'plate' her dinner as proudly as Poh or Julie tackled the dishes later.

What I liked about both Poh and Julie was their desire to win, but their happiness for the other and the acknowledgement that both have learnt so much that neither can view themselves as a loser. So often in this world, we get caught up with someone being the winner, without realising that even those who come 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc have gained something they didn't have at the beginning.

I'm glad Julie won, because I think she represents every Mum, who straps on the oven gloves at 6pm each nights and tries to serve up nutritious meals that appeal to a picky clientele with a discerning palate. She clung to her cooking roots, but looked for fancy ways to present old favourites. I think that's a good analogy for parenting in these modern times - presenting old ideas and values in new, innovative ways.

Meanwhile, I've got a breakfast to prepare and plate...

State of Origin 3

Yesterday on my way to work I saw this intriguing scene at a house opposite Suncorp Stadium where the 3rd State Of Origin match was played.

The people who live in this house obviously didn't have tickets to the game, but spent the night enjoying a few drinks and soaking up the atmosphere of the game, from outside the stadium, not in it. They might not even have been watching the game on the TV, just following it by the rise and fall of the crowd's mood.

It got me thinking about how we can often forget to enjoy what we do have and make the most of the things around us, and just keep wanting what other people seem to get so effortlessly. If only we could all be content to enjoy the roar of the crowd and a few beers with friends, rather than chasing the action in the middle all the time.

It reminded me how important contentment is to a good life.

Swimming Squads

My kids returned to swimming training this morning.

It took some effort, being the first day of the school term. I'd packed the towels, goggles and caps the night before and put the drinks in the fridge ready to go too. But the morning required that effort to get up, get the swimmers on and leap in the car as the sun was peaking over the hills.

Ordinarily, my oldest child would be swimming in the darkness, but I thought he should ease back into the pool, particularly as he's throwing off the end of a cold, so we arrived at the pool at 6.45am reading for 7am plunge.

After about 4 laps the kids looked tired. It had nothing to do with the pool - it was a balmy 29 degrees, but the kids had got out of condition over the last 3 months while they've been concentrating on hockey and soccer. By the end of the hour they needed all the encouragement they could get to pull on their school uniforms, down a quick breakfast and head off to school for the day.

A part of me doesn't really like pushing the kids to do swimming as there's such an big expectation on them once they get to squad level, but my eldest boy wants to be age champion this year. He's got a good shot at it, but he's going to have to work for it too. He'll be needing to put in 3 or 4 90-minute sessions a week if he wants to do it. That's a pretty big commitment. Then there's the other 2 kids, who gain a lot of fitness from swimming. It's a good sport for Australian kids, because we have such long summers, so we're keen for our kids to be confident swimmers. But how much is too much?

Only time will tell, but I find that as a Mum I walk a fine line between letting the kids do everything, keeping the kids active enough, balancing the family budget and helping them realise their dreams. Share that around 3 kids and it can be pretty exhausting.

After the kids got to school today, I needed to sit down with a cup of tea and have a rest - it had been a bit of a shock to my system too, and I didn't even get wet! Lets see what Thursday brings, when we next head back to the pool.

Appliances on the Blink

Have you heard that old saying, "Bad things come in3's."?

Our dishwasher stopped heating water before the last school holidays, so we've been washing up by hand ever since. It's only really started bugging me this week, so I've decided to finally pay someone to get it fixed. And of course, that bills going to be in the hundreds of dollars.

And the last couple of weeks the washing machine's been making a horribly loud (and suspicious) whooshing noise when it spins. Sometimes I feel like it's almost cheaper to throw the machine out and just buy a new one, and with two appliances on the blink, the costs are mounting. Could I have another appliance about to die too?

I don't really believe in coincidences, any more than I believe in horoscopes. I think you can create a coincidence out of just about any circumstance, and most of the time, I put things down to God's timing rather than some random alignment of the stars.

But is there any truth in that old saying?

I think it's more likely that we're so busy looking for 3 things to go wrong, that we create problems for ourselves. It's the old idea of having a 'glass half full' view on life. I hope that's how it is, because with the repair bills for both appliances due this week, if anything else breaks down, we'll be doing without it for quite some time!

Amazing Race 14

There is building excitement in our house, with the Australian premier of Amazing Race 14 less than 2 weeks away.

This series has captivated our hearts - we love the oddball contestants, the arguing and strategy, but most of all, we love the travel. I think we're all armchair travellers, and because we haven't been able to see this big blue ball we live on, we really enjoy seeing the contestants flit from one country to another, scrambling over one another to win the $1 million prize.

We've got into a great habit of taping the programs and then watching them on Friday nights with a few like-minded friends as a great end to the week.

It goes to show that even the smallest of rituals in a family can have the best payoffs, so with the ice cream stocked up and the odd bottle of wine stored away, bring on the games!

Bushwalking

We went bushwalking at Binna Burra in the Gold Coast hinterland over the weekend. It was the most beautiful country I've seen in a long time. Massive waterfalls, enormous trees, craggy escarpments - it was just such lovely country.

But the highlight for me was the 16.6km hike that took our family of 5 (including our 7 year old) 8 hours. Sure we saw all these things, but it was the other things I saw that really stood out for me:

• I saw a family, who despite bickering over what TV shows they watch or who gets to sit where on the couch, actually love being together.
• I saw our kids helping each other out over the boulders and through the muddy sections, guiding the footsteps of those walking behind them.
• I saw us as parents learning new things from our kids and new things about our kids.
• I saw our quietest child, who has the least faith in himself, emerge as the leader, setting the pace and taking charge.
• I saw a family who found all sorts of things to talk about - faith, life, dreams and love.

If I could trade those 3 days in for any other 3 days in this life I wouldn't do it. They were some of the most precious days I have ever lived. It goes to show that it's not the big holidays that necessarily leave the biggest memories, because it's all about the quality of those memories.

A Bag of Lollies

Yesterday I bought a bag of mixed lollies. I didn't realise that the bag included about 15 bananas, which have no fans in our household. So instead of the holiday stash being full of lollies, the box was only about half full... pretty disappointing really.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that that bag was a good representation of life. Too often we rush into something, like a new job, a holiday, purchasing a new car etc, and then realise that there were lots of things we didn't realise came in that 'packet'.

In our house, the jelly babies, milk bottles and snakes go first from the lolly packet. Then the racing cars, strawberries and cream and the raspberries disappear. The black cats, pineapples and teeth are the last pickings. The poor old bananas are left in the bottom of the barrel until I throw them out or convince a visitor to scoff the lot.

We're heading off for a mini-break at the end of the week, and I know it will be just like that bag of lollies too. Everyone will be excited about going and jump into the task of packing the car. People will grumble and groan as we clean up the house before going, but they'll still pitch in because the holiday is before them. But when we get home... I know I'll get all the bananas - I'll be doing the washing long after they've jumped on the couch and turned the TV on.

I think I'm ok with that, I'll just have to make sure I find plenty of jelly babies and milkbottles to enjoy while we're away.

Washing Powder

I've worked out the list of attributes that a good washing powder needs to make clothes clean.

• A nice but light fragrance that tells you when something is clean
• A dash of stain remover to keep the whites whiter and the coloured less multi-coloured
• An ability to disolve and not just sit in the machine for the whole cycle
• An ability to protect the clothes from smelling when they've been sitting in a basket waiting to be hung out all day
• A good price that regularly comes on special

The one I've got at the moment does all this. It's a bit of a miracle wash, particularly with all the wet weather we've had lately. My clothes have been sitting around waiting to get dry a lot lately.

It's taken me a few years to find the washing powder that really works well for me, particularly in my front loader. I don't know if it's me just finally finding the right one, or whether the manufacturers have actually gone out and found what people need in a washing powder and then made their product fit that description.

Now I just have a few more products to get right in my house:

• a shower cleaner
• a self-vacuuming vacuum-cleaner
• something to deal with the dead animal smell in the car
• and, something to get the kids to do their jobs

That shouldn't be too hard, should it?

Getting Things Done

My son has an orthodontist appointment today, and it's true to say that he was not looking forward to it. We had to wake him to get him ready, as it was a really early appointment, and there was plenty of grumbling coming from under the doona.

He's been seeing the orthodontist for over a year now, and today they are taking his braces off, taking a new mould and then putting the brace back in until a retainer can be made for him. I know he'll be feeling pretty sad and sorry for himself by the end of the day.

Something that's surprised me is that he's still happy to go to the dentist, even though he's had quite a painful experience with his brace. I thought he would become one of those children that would avoid the dentist at any cost, but he's been quite happy to see our regular dentist for his checkup every 6 months.

When I have difficult things coming up, I know that all too often I try to 'bury my head in the sand' to avoid facing them. I talk tough to my kids, but I have to say I'm really cowering on the inside and would happily run the other way. Perhaps my son has picked up some of that stoic determination, that you've just got to do some things, so you might as well get them done and move on.

Maybe I'm not such a bad parent after all...

Household Chores & Kids

I'm having one of those weeks where the dirty washing is starting to invade the house and the ironing basket is now the major feature of the lounge room. It seems like the family roster for keeping the house clean and tidy has broken down.

Why is sharing the household chores so important to family life?

I think kids can only learn about the breadth of domestic work by taking part in it. We spent time on a property last school holidays, and our kids saw that to help their family stay afloat financially, the kids were needed to muster cattle, feed the animals and work within the house, from basically dawn to dusk. They were under no illusions by the time we left that their lives were very easy and that they took on far less work within our house than we did.

Teaching the kids to clean the toilet, put their washing away so that it's neat and doesn't get crushed, and cleaning up their bedrooms might not be a huge contribution to the running of the house, but it teaches them to pull their weight, which hopefully will be helpful when they get their first job or move into a share house. It also gives them plenty of time to see you and how you operate as an adult.
What can you do to make sure everyone is helping to keep the house tidy?

We've tried heaps different ways of doing the roster and the only thing I've found that really works is a really simple one. Our current roster is a wheel that rotates around each week. Everyone in the house gets one job - cleaning the toilets, rubbish duty, unpacking the dishwasher, sweeping the floor etc, and one breakfast during the week to prepare and serve.

The only downfall seems to come at the end of term when people have lots of things on and lots of projects and they run out the door without doing their job.

I'm still trying to work out how to deal with this, but I find reminding them calmly over the dinner or breakfast table has worked much better than yelling and stamping my feet at them. I've also found that I've got to make sure I've done my jobs before I start hassling them about doing their share.

Embracing Change

I can remember when my daughter started prep a couple of year ago. She has my stature, so the size 4 shirt was like a tent on her and the had was more of an umbrella. But none of that stood in the way of here embracing school life. She'd watch her two older brothers start school and was ready for it all - walking to school with the giant backpack, eating lunch with the other kids, going to music lessons and sport on the oval.

Fast forward 3 years, and last night I spent hours helping her finish off a poster on moths, now that she's in Year 2. She announced, as I tucked her into bed, that we still have to print out some pictures of moths this morning, and reminded me that it's dress up day today and she'd like to go as a Heffalump. I'm not too confident that the dress up box can deliver on such an ambitious project and I'm fearing what reaction I'll get when I and the box let her down.

Unlike most of the family, my daughter loves new experiences. Every new school year is exciting to her because she knows that she's now allowed in a new part of the school or able to do something else that only "the big kids" can do. The rest of us realise that changes around us require us to change, and that that is usually an unpleasant experience. I think my daughter has such a positive outlook because she's always been too young, so she's had to wait for everything and watch from the sidelines as others try new things.

Wouldn't it be great if we could experience change as an adult with the same sense of excitement and longing. That new job, the move to the new house, the children going to high school or leaving home - they're all things that adults find quite stressful, but if we went in with the attitude of a child starting school, wouldn't we find joy in these changes?