Getting Childhood Right

I've been reading a book called, Toxic Childhood, by Sue Palmer. It looks at how modern life is damaging children and what steps parents (and others) can take to deal with it.

There's a chapter on play that I found very interesting. It talks about the importance of kids having access to spaces and time to 'just play'. To think of their own games and activities to entertain themselves. It also talks about the importance of letting kids take risks and learn about the environment outside their front gates. This isn't really anything new to me - I know of quite a few families who actively try to counteract the overprotective parenting model that is rewarded these days.

Something I did find interesting was a part where she described what some of the lower income estates in London look like. She explained that many children simply can't play outside because of the young gangs and drug problems. Sue then made the statement "In my experience, it takes about ten years to turn human children into impulsive, unempathetic animals, so desperately antisocial that they destroy their own habitat. And the best way to do that is to rear them in captivity, malnourish them on junk and expoxe them to all the other aspects of toxic childhood".

Ten years isn't actually that long. And already in Australia, you can see some communities that have been sliding towards greater antisocial behaviour in their children. I think it's aweful that someone's child is described as "an impulsive, unempathetic animal". I would never want my child to wear that description. Elsewhere in the book, when talking about schooling, Sue describes a child who is "bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and up to speed in reading, writing and basic maths by the end of their primary years, they should be able to take full advantage of their secondary education and hopefully go on to be successful, hard-working adults." Now that's a description I wouldn't mind my children having.

The most difficult thing about parenting is doing the right thing, because that's usually the hardest route to take. It's difficult to watch your child work out how to get their ball off the roof without going in and getting it down for them. It's hard to say no when they want another piece of cake and they're throwing a tantrum on the floor. It's painful to watch your child wince through the clean up when they've had a major crash on their bike riding down the hill. But life is about learning, and kids need to learn in the context of life, not from the TV or from us telling them.

The greatest gift we can give our kids is to give them a chance to learn what it means to be a human being, who lives in community with other human beings.

Rainy Days

My memories of rainy days as a kid are of being curled up on my bed with the radio on and a good book in my hands.

It's raining today and the kids are home from school because the teachers are on strike. There's that lovely clunking sound on the roof from the bigger drops falling from the trees and the steady hush of the gentle rain. There's that cool, crisp stillness in the air too. It's a perfect autumn rainy day.

The kids have spent an hour or so in front of the TV and they're just cranking up the Wii in the lounge room now. I know that later in the day we have some jobs, music practice and homework to tackle, but it's just such a perfect day at the moment.

Sometimes I wish I could just hold onto a moment like this forever. I know it won't be all that long before the kids are at home a lot less and even move out. This is a magical time in family life and I really wish it could last and last. But, one thing I've learnt as a mother is that if life is good now, it only gets better as they get older and more independent.

For while the kids have been lazing around, I've put on a load of washing, started some baking, made breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen. I'm just about to go up and tidy the bedrooms and bathroom and sort out some washing. The nice thing about the kids growing up, is that when the next autumn day like this comes around, they might do one or two of these jobs themselves or not even be living at home at all.

Families growing up is good, not bad, and that's what we have memories and photos for - to remember the good times in the past, during the good times in the future.

The Road Less Travelled

I remember studying a poem by Robert Frost in high school which talked about the two roads in life that we often have to choose between, and how infrequently people choose the less travelled road.

My children attend a small school but every Friday, the children in the upper grades participate in interschool sport against other schools in the area. Most of these schools hire buses to transport the children to various other schools and sporting fields to be able to participate. Our school is unable to do this because there are so few children and each team generally plays in a different location. So we rely on a band of willing parents to transport a carload of children to the games each week.

There are many parents who work and aren't able to help with sport transport, and there are still others who choose not to. But I actually think this is the best time of the week, and this is why:

• I get to enjoy a car trip with 6 pre-adolescent boys who invariable spend the trip talking about cars, producing body odours and singing along to my cd's. This week I could only laugh as all the boys sang along to the High School Musical soundtrack and made requests for the next song.
• I get to spend time with my son in the company of his classmates. As they talk, my replies wash over them as adult wisdom, but it's only through spending time with them that they respect and accept my opinions.
• I get to engage in The Amazing Race, where the boys eagerly try to ensure that we are the first car at the sporting ground and back at school. I'm still yet to work out why they want to get back to school first, but every week, we try to take shortcuts to ensure that we're back before the other cars.
• I get to connect with other parents who value this opportunity to engage with their child and others within the sporting teams.
• I get to connect with the teachers who have my children every day. They value the input and support of parents, that only increases their willingness to keep putting the long hours into the job that they do.

There are many things that I could be busy with on a Friday afternoon, but I'm glad I've chosen the road less travelled and taken the time to drive the kids to sport. The pay offs for myself and my son are wonderful.

Getting the Budget Right

I think budgeting is a pressing matter for just about every family this year, so if you're having trouble making the budget work, try some of these:

1. Have another look at what's coming into the house and what's going out, write out a detailed budget. www.moneyminded.com.au has lots of budgeting tips as well as budget worksheets.
2. Treat money spent on a credit card like you paid cash for it. That way you won't keep building up a debt that you can't service.
3. Don't buy lunches, pack them at home to save money. Try offering different things from sandwiches everyday, like leftover pizza and even mini quiche made from eggs, ham and puff pastry.
4. If you're having trouble with your rent or mortgage, get help early and find a financial counsellor or take a look at this website - www.capaust.org which offers financial counselling through local churches that comes to you.
   
5. Make a shopping list and shop just once a week. Get really good at turning leftovers into something else and using those cans at the back of the cupboard. If you're still having trouble buying food, contact a local emergency relief group or food bank, or talk to your local church.
6. Cut down on takeaways which aren't as filling and cost more per meal. Make homemade food takeaway by eating it somewhere else, like in the backyard on a picnic rug or at the park.
7. Buy treats like chocolate, alcohol and takeaways at the end of the fortnight or month, when you know you can afford them. Use them as a reward for sticking to your budget.
8. Clean up around you house and see if you've got anything that's no longer needed but could do quite well on ebay or in the Weekend Shopper. Even getting a few dollars can help and having a tidier home can lift the spirits no end.

MasterClass

I've been enjoying watching MasterChef on the TV lately. I've never realised how much thought goes into a restaurant meal, but then I don't think we're talking about McDonald's-type restaurants here, and lets face it, I haven't been to the other sorts for a while.

Anyway, back to MasterChef. Most of the contestants seem to be good cooks who think they'd like to be a chef. I consider myself a pretty good cook, but I've been learning a lot from this program. Their contestants have to think about the ambiance and environment that they serve their meal in, then there's the way the 'plate' their meal. They have to be careful to put vegetables from the same season together, so a chef doesn't seem to be able to gather up the least lively veges from the fridge and throw them together into a new dish. Every dish needs a name too, and not some lame name like Sausages and Potato and Withering Veges. It needs to sound impressive, like Venetian Sausages or Beef and Vegetable Hot Pot. There also needs to be plenty of thought about what herbs and sauces are added, so the taste and 'aromatics' are perfect.

I've been getting a box of veges delivered each week to make my shopping easier. I have to say these veges are always really fresh, but it's a bit of a lucky dip, because it depends what's in season. So this week, we've had garlic in everything, because I got about 30 cloves of garlic. We've had lots of potatoes, onions, gem squash (yes that was new to me too) and carrots, lettuce and tomatoes which come every week.

This has made me realise that the art of cooking isn't just about shoving plates of food on the table as quickly as possible. Cooking is about the whole meal - the conversation, the pace, the connection and the food. Throughout history food has been used as a reason to gather and as part of celebrations, both within families and communities. A good cook (as compared to a chef) probably works with what they have available, but the process should still be the same. We should be thinking about how we present food, what ambiance our meal is creating and what smells and tastes people can experience from our food. The modern notion of preparing simple meals as quickly as possible has probably taken the focus off this, to the detriment of our home-dining experience.

Well that's all I have time for, I've just got the sausages and mashed potato ready, so if we hurry we can catch tonight's episode of MasterChef. Some things are hard to overcome, aren't they?

Wedding Bells

My husband and I are celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary today. When we first got married the local paper had a weekly relationships column that basically said that once you passed the 10 year stage you were over the hump and likely to survive the rest of your lives together. I think that was strongly influenced by the divorce rates of the day, which showed that more than half of all relationships ended within the first couple of years.

Now that we've passed that milestone by 3 whole years, I feel I'm in some position to debunk the theory. There doesn't seem to be anything easier or different about the last couple of years than any that went before it. Of course, those first few years pass in a whirl of excitement, but the rest just seem to pass like driving through rolling green hills on a long car trip.

We spent some time mentoring a young couple who were getting married a couple of years ago and I chose the aptly named book, Dumb Things We Do: How to Stop Driving Each Other Crazy as our text. This book covers the dumb things guys do and the dumb things girls do separately. Just to give you a taste, the dumb things girls do include trying to fix him, not liking yourself and not getting involved in what he's doing. The man-ones are things like not growing up, not courting your wife and living as if work is number 1 in your life.

The beautiful thing about marriage is that there are always new things to learn and old things to get rid off. There are bad habit that creep back into your life, that need to be caste off, and special things you enjoy doing together that you wish you'd found years ago. Marriage is the ultimate adventure in life, you just have to make sure you stop and get out and look at the quirky things by the side of the road, and not just drive right by them.

Mothers Day

Today is Mothers Day. It's my 11th year as a mother and my 36th with a mother. I've realised some important truths today about why Mothers Day is so important. I'm just sorry that it's taken me so long to work this out.

You see, as a kid, my family didn't celebrate Mothers Day. I don't remember having nice lunches or making Mum breakfast in bed. I can't even remember making her fancy homemade gifts at school and I don't remember ringing my grandmother in New Zealand either.

I think that was partly because my father was rarely at home and my mother wouldn't have drawn attention to herself. MyMum is a pretty humble lady who always downplays what she does.

But today, I've realised that Mothers Day is about saying thank you for all those things you haven't said thank you for over the year. The times Mum cleaned up the bedroom or did another load of washing. The days Mum stayed home when you were sick or rocked you to sleep when you were tired. The days that she cuddled you through your tears and spoke words of encouragement when you faced your fears. There are so many things that Mums do that go unthanked. I now realise I have a huge debt of Mothers Days to make up for.

These days, my thanks is more for stepping in and looking after the kids when I need a hand, or putting up with a change of plans when my life gets busy. My thanks is for accepting that I'm far from perfect and sometimes forget to call her. My thanks is for the opportunities she gives me to return the care she's given me over the years - cooking her meals and including her in the grandchildren's lives.

Mothers are the foundation of society. They teach children how to live in community and how to behave as adults. They are largely the unpaid workforce in society, that does the cooking, cleaning, childrearing and other volunteer work that keeps the economy going. Every mother deserves to feel valued today. I'm glad I got that right this year.

Movie Stars

Have you ever watched a movie with the kids and ended up watching the credits because they've fallen asleep all over you and you can't really be bothered carrying them all to bed just yet?

I'm amazed at how many people it takes to make a movie, and what names they come up with for their jobs. What does a best boy do? Or the key grip? I'm thinking that one has something to do with parking. Surely the second second assistant makes coffee for all the other assistants? But my favourite job is the 'graphics wrangler'. I'm not sure what they do, but I'd look forward to going to work each day with a title like that on my desk.

Have you noticed how you no longer do home duties anymore, you're a domestic engineer. And that a cleaner is now a sanitation consultant. In the last few years there seems to have been a drive to make jobs sound more important. A roo shooter out west is now called a macropod harvester, can you believe that? It's like we all need to be at the top of the heap, not the bottom.

Yet, deep down, all of us know that it's the poeple at the bottom of the workforce who do most of the work and keep society ticking over. These are the people who usually make sure we have clean workplaces, that the filing is done and that the little jobs that need attention are attended to. I'm sure it's the same in the movie trade, and these people with odd job titles are often the people who run around madly doing all the little things that enable that movie to actually end up on our big (or little) screens. Perhaps this is their way of getting some reward for their work, which makes me think I should take another second at the checkout to say thank you, or to help a hassled waitress relax with an "I don't mind".

Shed-nanigans

I've discovered that there are basically two types of husbands in this world - the handy and the not-so-handy. My husband fits into this second category. You know the type - fixes the chair, but it still wobbles underneath you; puts a hook in the wall that seems to come free way too often.

Despite this he has a shed full of tools, ladders and power thingies. Its also home to our camping gear, bikes and the chook food. Most of the time his shed is an absolute mess. There's so much stuff in the doorway you can rarely reach anything you need without tripping over bikes, paint sheets, pipes, timber, pavers and everything else that seems to be in your way.

Every now and then my husband says, "Come on kids, lets clean up the shed." I can smile at this now, but it wasn't always like that. His idea of cleaning up the shed is to find all sorts of long forgotten junk and pass it to the children who then usually aks him to make something with it. We've had forts in the back yard made from old bits of timber and a tarp; homemade wooden airplanes that required hours of painting, and; a bike repair shop on the path between the carport and the front door.

Sunday afternoon somehow turns into Monday morning and the shed is always in more of a mess than before. I'd set to work hanging out the washing and trip over all the things that had made their way from the shed to our yard. There were many frustrated screams in the early days of these shed clean-ups. But now I know that the clean-up is part of being a 'great dad'.

The process of working together to create things from junk is actually more valuable to our family than the act of cleaning up the shed. Any mug can clean up a shed (it's usually this mug who ends up doing that job) but it takes a real 'dad' to make the time to listen to the kids and help them make something from their ideas. Our kids love helping him clean up the shed because they know that he's setting the whole day aside to do the things that they want him to do. They know that Dad is going to listen and encourage them to dream.

The Blockbuster Principle

Have you noticed how easy it is to forget to take the DVDs back to the video shop? My family are pretty good with the overnight ones and even the weeklies, but it's those 3-day new releases that seem to get left on the top of the TV cabinet.

In the midst of late fees, I've discovered what I call The Blockbuster Principle. I think this principle sums up the art of admitting wrong and making restitution really well. You see, if you sneak your late DVD into Blockbuster and slide it into the return shute, then slink away, when you next go to borrow a movie you'll find they've slapped a late fee on your account which you have to pay before you can rent again. But if you go in with your late movie and tell them you're sorry its late and ask them how much you owe, they're usually so shocked they'll either waive the late fee or halve it if you pay it then and there.

I know your asking how this could be an earth shattering principle that has any impact beyond the DVD shelves, but doesn't this show that when we're willing to face up to our mistakes and the consequences that come with them, the impact is usually less severe than if we try to hide our guilt. Everyday my kids make mistakes or do something wrong that impacts on other people - that's human nature. But as I keep reminding them, part of growing up is learning to own up to our behaviour, say sorry and face the consequences.

If you test my principle next time you have a late DVD, let me know how it goes. But most importantly, show your kids how it goes. You might just save them from a long afternoon in the principal's office.

Kitchen Cheats

We had some friends over last night who we hadn't seen for years. We decided during our holiday that we should make an effort to have friends over for dinner now that the kids are happy enough to sit in front of the television while we entertain.

It was a great idea earlier in the week - I was looking forward to using the nice dinner set where all the pieces matched, and I was keen to get stuck in to making some new fancy dishes too. I love cooking and putting on dinner parties is a real joy for me. But as Friday got closer, reality hit.

Work to do, the house to tidy, things to do for the kids... When was I going to cook a fancy dinner, let alone shop for it and make myself and the children look presentable for company?

So I turned to a magazine which offered me a 'Cheat's Dinner Party'. That sounded like what I needed! And I have to tell you, it delivered what it said it would. I managed to shop, prepare the dinner party and clean up the house, children and myself in 2 hours - not bad hey!

The food was delicious and only needed a few tweaks to feed 7 instead of the intended 4. My daughter and I even had time to pick some flowers from the garden and make the table look fancy.

This made me think of the other ways that we can make life simpler by 'cheating'. After all the dinner plan was just a set of instructions to follow. How often in life do we stress out about something, when if we sit down and list all the steps we have to follow, we can accomplish something without too much fuss?

So today, I've got about 5 things to do, some big and some small. But I think I'll just see them as a set of steps to get me to the couch tonight by about 6pm to enjoy some time with my family and a nice glass of wine. My kids might even learn from my good habits!

One thing I know for sure is that next time, I'm not going to worry about entertaining. I'm just going to invite people around and plan the food around what else needs to be done.