Flying with Kids

I'm about to take my 9 year old son with me to New Zealand to visit my grandmother. This is the second time I'm taking one of the kids to visit her, having taken my daughter 2 years ago when she was 5.

I'm becoming a savvy traveller with kids, and this time, instead of buying the cheapest airfare I could afford, I've made sure I've got the cheapest package I could find.

You see last time, I flew with a no-frills, no-food airline. I'd packed plenty of games and books and food to get us through the 3 hour flight, but I hadn't thought about what would happen if the person beside us wasn't so organised. True to Murphy's Law, the person beside us was the mother of a flight attendant, so she received every bit of food and drink complimentary, as well as the use of one of those little DVD things they have on those airlines. My daughter managed to cope with the feelings of jealousy, long enough for us to get out of the airport and into a McDonald's store when we finally arrived in Auckland.

Then on the return trip, I convinced her to have a sleep and I'd buy her a hot breakfast rather than eat in the very expensive airport before our 7am flight. That was all good, except that the airline put us up the back of the plane because of her age, and by the time the food cart got to us they'd sold out of hot breakfasts. Once again, we coped long enough to crawl through immigration and find Daddy and the boys, who were only too happy to take us out to breakfast after our week away.

This time around, I've chosen to fly with Air New Zealand. I'm looking forward to having breakfast on the plane, a nice cup of tea, and watching a movie while my son does the same thing beside me. It won't matter what other people do, because this is true luxury for our family!

Sometimes, you really do get what you pay for, but as that MasterCard ad reminds us, what price do you pay for peace and no stress? It's priceless.

Healthy Young Athletes

My kids were keen swimming trainers over last summer and all moved up into squads of varying difficulty. But it's clear to everyone in our family, that though they have lovely technique, they don't really have the speed to do really well at swimming.

I love the kids playing team sports through winter because I think it teaches them so much about the world. They learn how to work with others, even when they don't really like them. They learn to take direction from others and to sacrifice their own goals for the good of the team. The learn to win and lose gracefully too. But overall, I think getting kids into sport gives them physical activity habits that will set them up well for adulthood.

Other friends have had their children swimming through the winter, and the coach has often asked through them when we are coming back. We returned to swimming just a few weeks ago, but then the colds and flu moved in, so we held off while everyone got well. It's now been six weeks and the kids are still coughing and sneezing, so I think we still have another couple of weeks rest ahead of us. But still the coach asks.

I have to say it's really starting to annoy me. I'm feeling pressured to get our kids back to swimming. But lets face it, they're aged 7, 9, and 11. They could still be Olympic swimmers and not have been in the water yet. So today I'm just reminding myself that I'm the parent and she's the coach. As a parent, I know my kids need to be well to enjoy life to the full, so the best place for them at the moment isn't the pool, but at home.

There's plenty of time to swim next month and the month after. Now I just have to pluck up the courage to be strong in front of the coach. That might be a little harder...

Cooking Teaches Children Healthy Food Habits

Have you heard that line, that if you get your kids involved in the kitchen they'll pick up better eating habits?

Why is it that whenever my kids get busy in the kitchen they only really want to make the unhealthy stuff and that it hasn't really changed any of their food habits?

I've had pizza nights where they make their own, and one or two of them will still choose the mega meatlovers, with the token slice of tomato because I've said they have to have one vegetable. Or they'll help make a curry or casserole only to say they don't actually want to eat it when it's time to serve the meal.

Rather than beat myself up as a bad parent, I've actually decided that the best I can do is offer healthy meals full of lots of colour, texture and taste. There's nothing to gain from fights at the dinner table over what they eat, so instead I just offer healthy meals and leave it to them to eat their fill, even if that is mostly plain rice or pasta. I've also taken to cheating by giving them multivitamins so that most of the essentials are covered, even if they're not getting it from food.

The trade off has been that they enjoy helping out in the kitchen without the pressure of eating everything they prepare, and the dinner table is a safe place for conversation and connection, not discipline and arguments.

Having said all that, the cookies were great - I might just have one now with a calming cup of tea.

Mother Guilt

I had two children home sick yesterday, one of them very ill. Yet, I had a work commitment that I needed to fulfil. Have you ever been in that boat?

In the end I settled the very sick child into bed with the phone and ran out the door, fixing up my work matter in one hour, and returning home to find him still fast asleep. As I was driving back home, I had a real sense of not being a good mother. What mother does that - leaves a sick child at home for work?

I've discovered in the last decade of mothering, that these decisions pop up all too often. Should I go on that work trip or stay and see that special concert? Will my child cope if I don't see them win a ribbon at the sports carnival because I've got a client to see? Is feeding my children toasted sandwiches for dinner really that bad when I've got so much work to do?

I've decided that parenting is all about the 51%. It doesn't matter what you do 49% of the time, as long as 51% of the time, you get it right, and throw in a few peak moments in the year where they know without a doubt that you love them to bits.

An article in The Australian on the weekend (25-26 July, Inquirer 19) covered just this topic of "The Struggle to Juggle". It said that the most telling finding from the Australian Work and Life Index 2009 were that a large proportion of women "feel rushed or pressed for time". The researchers felt this was because generally, all workers work more than the want, but also because women carry the major burden of running households.

It just reminded me that life is all about balance, maintaining the spheres of work, caring for yourself and your family, maintaining your home and having fun in some sort of functional equilibrium. I'm not saying it's easy though!

MasterChef Winner

With an afternoon sleep under our belts, my husband, the 3 kids and myself all lept on the couch to enjoy the finale of MasterChef. We only got into the series a couple of weeks ago, but it really has lifted everyone's interest in food, cooking and the presentation of meals.

For dinner last night, I put a whole lot of leftovers on the bench with a loaf of bread and the sandwich press and let everyone make their own meal. My daughter was careful to 'plate' her dinner as proudly as Poh or Julie tackled the dishes later.

What I liked about both Poh and Julie was their desire to win, but their happiness for the other and the acknowledgement that both have learnt so much that neither can view themselves as a loser. So often in this world, we get caught up with someone being the winner, without realising that even those who come 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc have gained something they didn't have at the beginning.

I'm glad Julie won, because I think she represents every Mum, who straps on the oven gloves at 6pm each nights and tries to serve up nutritious meals that appeal to a picky clientele with a discerning palate. She clung to her cooking roots, but looked for fancy ways to present old favourites. I think that's a good analogy for parenting in these modern times - presenting old ideas and values in new, innovative ways.

Meanwhile, I've got a breakfast to prepare and plate...

Swimming Squads

My kids returned to swimming training this morning.

It took some effort, being the first day of the school term. I'd packed the towels, goggles and caps the night before and put the drinks in the fridge ready to go too. But the morning required that effort to get up, get the swimmers on and leap in the car as the sun was peaking over the hills.

Ordinarily, my oldest child would be swimming in the darkness, but I thought he should ease back into the pool, particularly as he's throwing off the end of a cold, so we arrived at the pool at 6.45am reading for 7am plunge.

After about 4 laps the kids looked tired. It had nothing to do with the pool - it was a balmy 29 degrees, but the kids had got out of condition over the last 3 months while they've been concentrating on hockey and soccer. By the end of the hour they needed all the encouragement they could get to pull on their school uniforms, down a quick breakfast and head off to school for the day.

A part of me doesn't really like pushing the kids to do swimming as there's such an big expectation on them once they get to squad level, but my eldest boy wants to be age champion this year. He's got a good shot at it, but he's going to have to work for it too. He'll be needing to put in 3 or 4 90-minute sessions a week if he wants to do it. That's a pretty big commitment. Then there's the other 2 kids, who gain a lot of fitness from swimming. It's a good sport for Australian kids, because we have such long summers, so we're keen for our kids to be confident swimmers. But how much is too much?

Only time will tell, but I find that as a Mum I walk a fine line between letting the kids do everything, keeping the kids active enough, balancing the family budget and helping them realise their dreams. Share that around 3 kids and it can be pretty exhausting.

After the kids got to school today, I needed to sit down with a cup of tea and have a rest - it had been a bit of a shock to my system too, and I didn't even get wet! Lets see what Thursday brings, when we next head back to the pool.

Getting Things Done

My son has an orthodontist appointment today, and it's true to say that he was not looking forward to it. We had to wake him to get him ready, as it was a really early appointment, and there was plenty of grumbling coming from under the doona.

He's been seeing the orthodontist for over a year now, and today they are taking his braces off, taking a new mould and then putting the brace back in until a retainer can be made for him. I know he'll be feeling pretty sad and sorry for himself by the end of the day.

Something that's surprised me is that he's still happy to go to the dentist, even though he's had quite a painful experience with his brace. I thought he would become one of those children that would avoid the dentist at any cost, but he's been quite happy to see our regular dentist for his checkup every 6 months.

When I have difficult things coming up, I know that all too often I try to 'bury my head in the sand' to avoid facing them. I talk tough to my kids, but I have to say I'm really cowering on the inside and would happily run the other way. Perhaps my son has picked up some of that stoic determination, that you've just got to do some things, so you might as well get them done and move on.

Maybe I'm not such a bad parent after all...

Embracing Change

I can remember when my daughter started prep a couple of year ago. She has my stature, so the size 4 shirt was like a tent on her and the had was more of an umbrella. But none of that stood in the way of here embracing school life. She'd watch her two older brothers start school and was ready for it all - walking to school with the giant backpack, eating lunch with the other kids, going to music lessons and sport on the oval.

Fast forward 3 years, and last night I spent hours helping her finish off a poster on moths, now that she's in Year 2. She announced, as I tucked her into bed, that we still have to print out some pictures of moths this morning, and reminded me that it's dress up day today and she'd like to go as a Heffalump. I'm not too confident that the dress up box can deliver on such an ambitious project and I'm fearing what reaction I'll get when I and the box let her down.

Unlike most of the family, my daughter loves new experiences. Every new school year is exciting to her because she knows that she's now allowed in a new part of the school or able to do something else that only "the big kids" can do. The rest of us realise that changes around us require us to change, and that that is usually an unpleasant experience. I think my daughter has such a positive outlook because she's always been too young, so she's had to wait for everything and watch from the sidelines as others try new things.

Wouldn't it be great if we could experience change as an adult with the same sense of excitement and longing. That new job, the move to the new house, the children going to high school or leaving home - they're all things that adults find quite stressful, but if we went in with the attitude of a child starting school, wouldn't we find joy in these changes?

Getting Childhood Right

I've been reading a book called, Toxic Childhood, by Sue Palmer. It looks at how modern life is damaging children and what steps parents (and others) can take to deal with it.

There's a chapter on play that I found very interesting. It talks about the importance of kids having access to spaces and time to 'just play'. To think of their own games and activities to entertain themselves. It also talks about the importance of letting kids take risks and learn about the environment outside their front gates. This isn't really anything new to me - I know of quite a few families who actively try to counteract the overprotective parenting model that is rewarded these days.

Something I did find interesting was a part where she described what some of the lower income estates in London look like. She explained that many children simply can't play outside because of the young gangs and drug problems. Sue then made the statement "In my experience, it takes about ten years to turn human children into impulsive, unempathetic animals, so desperately antisocial that they destroy their own habitat. And the best way to do that is to rear them in captivity, malnourish them on junk and expoxe them to all the other aspects of toxic childhood".

Ten years isn't actually that long. And already in Australia, you can see some communities that have been sliding towards greater antisocial behaviour in their children. I think it's aweful that someone's child is described as "an impulsive, unempathetic animal". I would never want my child to wear that description. Elsewhere in the book, when talking about schooling, Sue describes a child who is "bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and up to speed in reading, writing and basic maths by the end of their primary years, they should be able to take full advantage of their secondary education and hopefully go on to be successful, hard-working adults." Now that's a description I wouldn't mind my children having.

The most difficult thing about parenting is doing the right thing, because that's usually the hardest route to take. It's difficult to watch your child work out how to get their ball off the roof without going in and getting it down for them. It's hard to say no when they want another piece of cake and they're throwing a tantrum on the floor. It's painful to watch your child wince through the clean up when they've had a major crash on their bike riding down the hill. But life is about learning, and kids need to learn in the context of life, not from the TV or from us telling them.

The greatest gift we can give our kids is to give them a chance to learn what it means to be a human being, who lives in community with other human beings.

The Road Less Travelled

I remember studying a poem by Robert Frost in high school which talked about the two roads in life that we often have to choose between, and how infrequently people choose the less travelled road.

My children attend a small school but every Friday, the children in the upper grades participate in interschool sport against other schools in the area. Most of these schools hire buses to transport the children to various other schools and sporting fields to be able to participate. Our school is unable to do this because there are so few children and each team generally plays in a different location. So we rely on a band of willing parents to transport a carload of children to the games each week.

There are many parents who work and aren't able to help with sport transport, and there are still others who choose not to. But I actually think this is the best time of the week, and this is why:

• I get to enjoy a car trip with 6 pre-adolescent boys who invariable spend the trip talking about cars, producing body odours and singing along to my cd's. This week I could only laugh as all the boys sang along to the High School Musical soundtrack and made requests for the next song.
• I get to spend time with my son in the company of his classmates. As they talk, my replies wash over them as adult wisdom, but it's only through spending time with them that they respect and accept my opinions.
• I get to engage in The Amazing Race, where the boys eagerly try to ensure that we are the first car at the sporting ground and back at school. I'm still yet to work out why they want to get back to school first, but every week, we try to take shortcuts to ensure that we're back before the other cars.
• I get to connect with other parents who value this opportunity to engage with their child and others within the sporting teams.
• I get to connect with the teachers who have my children every day. They value the input and support of parents, that only increases their willingness to keep putting the long hours into the job that they do.

There are many things that I could be busy with on a Friday afternoon, but I'm glad I've chosen the road less travelled and taken the time to drive the kids to sport. The pay offs for myself and my son are wonderful.

Shed-nanigans

I've discovered that there are basically two types of husbands in this world - the handy and the not-so-handy. My husband fits into this second category. You know the type - fixes the chair, but it still wobbles underneath you; puts a hook in the wall that seems to come free way too often.

Despite this he has a shed full of tools, ladders and power thingies. Its also home to our camping gear, bikes and the chook food. Most of the time his shed is an absolute mess. There's so much stuff in the doorway you can rarely reach anything you need without tripping over bikes, paint sheets, pipes, timber, pavers and everything else that seems to be in your way.

Every now and then my husband says, "Come on kids, lets clean up the shed." I can smile at this now, but it wasn't always like that. His idea of cleaning up the shed is to find all sorts of long forgotten junk and pass it to the children who then usually aks him to make something with it. We've had forts in the back yard made from old bits of timber and a tarp; homemade wooden airplanes that required hours of painting, and; a bike repair shop on the path between the carport and the front door.

Sunday afternoon somehow turns into Monday morning and the shed is always in more of a mess than before. I'd set to work hanging out the washing and trip over all the things that had made their way from the shed to our yard. There were many frustrated screams in the early days of these shed clean-ups. But now I know that the clean-up is part of being a 'great dad'.

The process of working together to create things from junk is actually more valuable to our family than the act of cleaning up the shed. Any mug can clean up a shed (it's usually this mug who ends up doing that job) but it takes a real 'dad' to make the time to listen to the kids and help them make something from their ideas. Our kids love helping him clean up the shed because they know that he's setting the whole day aside to do the things that they want him to do. They know that Dad is going to listen and encourage them to dream.

The Blockbuster Principle

Have you noticed how easy it is to forget to take the DVDs back to the video shop? My family are pretty good with the overnight ones and even the weeklies, but it's those 3-day new releases that seem to get left on the top of the TV cabinet.

In the midst of late fees, I've discovered what I call The Blockbuster Principle. I think this principle sums up the art of admitting wrong and making restitution really well. You see, if you sneak your late DVD into Blockbuster and slide it into the return shute, then slink away, when you next go to borrow a movie you'll find they've slapped a late fee on your account which you have to pay before you can rent again. But if you go in with your late movie and tell them you're sorry its late and ask them how much you owe, they're usually so shocked they'll either waive the late fee or halve it if you pay it then and there.

I know your asking how this could be an earth shattering principle that has any impact beyond the DVD shelves, but doesn't this show that when we're willing to face up to our mistakes and the consequences that come with them, the impact is usually less severe than if we try to hide our guilt. Everyday my kids make mistakes or do something wrong that impacts on other people - that's human nature. But as I keep reminding them, part of growing up is learning to own up to our behaviour, say sorry and face the consequences.

If you test my principle next time you have a late DVD, let me know how it goes. But most importantly, show your kids how it goes. You might just save them from a long afternoon in the principal's office.

A Good Mother

Last night we had some excitement with a snake in our backyard. Unfortunately we found the snake in our guinea pig hutch after it had eaten the mother and killed one of our babies. We managed to save the 3 other babies, but there was a very sad mood over our house at bedtime.

This morning the kids have been talking about how the snake was just doing what it was made to do (thanks to Steve Irwin) and that Princess Leia was a very brave mother who gave up her own life to save her babies. The kids were impressed that that's what a mother does.

There's a passage in the Bible that identifies the traits of a good mother. It says that this mother is more precious than diamonds and deeply respected by her husband. This mother is never spiteful and is generous to all. She keeps a tidy and cheerful home and fills life with surprises. This good mother rises first in the house, prepares a hearty breakfast for her family and organises the day. She is careful with money, hard working and diligent. A good mother will help those around her in need and make sure that her family have all their needs met too. She faces each day with a smile and speaks with kindness. She's protective of the members of her family and makes sure they fulfill all their obligations outside of the home. This mother is so respected in the community that her husband is respected too.

I'm not sure that I come close to that high standard, but it does give me something to aim for. A little less yelling at the kids. A little more tolerance of their tantrums. Getting up cheerfully in the morning and thinking through all the things that need to be accomplished that day. Starting the day with a smile, kind words and a welcoming breakfast. These things aren't all that hard to do but will probably made all the difference.

My children already have a high opinion of me as a mother, so maybe I'm already on the road to being a good mother. It would be nice to think that one day they'll look back on my life and praise my motherhood like they did for Princess Leia this morning.

The Problem of Teeenage Girls

I was speaking to a parent this week about the pitfalls of parenting a teenage girl when it comes to back chatting, shaving legs and sibling rivalry. It's made me realise that my six-year old's "You did my hair wrong!" tantrums will get a lot worse than "I did my hair wrong!" ones.

There seem to be 2 main issues that trouble girls as they near the end of primary school - body concerns and friendship problems. The issues of body concerns often feed into friendship problems as young women seek to adjust how the look to 'fit in' with their peers. So what can we do as parents? Well these are my well-researched ideas:

1. Panic, eat a bar of chocolate, watch a movie with a happy ending and then sit down with a cup of tea and ponder adolescence.
2. Set a good example - don't change your own outfit 15 times before going out for dinner and don't keep trying different diets only to put on more weight that you started with.
3. Make food a source of pleasure and ensure your family is eating together around the table as often as possible.
4. Talk openly about body shape and bring up the disadvantages of being a stick insect.
5. Be willing to give in on the little things. Yes we all know that shaving your legs is a good thing to delay, but no teenager is going to believe you, so instead invest your energy in negotiating a workable compromise - when can they start, who will pay for all the stuff they need and what you're actually saying yes to.
6. Talk up exercise for all it's benefits - managing weight, stress relief, feeling positive and being social. One day they might actually believe you! Eat another chocolate bar and sit down with another movie - adolescence is a long road, and you're going to need to pace yourself!

Of course, some of these may be harmful to your own body image, so please consult your own common sense before implementing all of my suggestions.

The Latchkey

You'll have read in the paper or heard on the news a while back about the new laws relating to leaving children at home alone. Of course the law is still quite ambiguous, in that it doesn't tell us how long is an unreasonable amount of time, but it does say that it applies to children under 12 years of age.

This is one of those tricky parenting dilemmas I think. After all, you can't just turn around the day they turn 12 and say 'Right-e-oh, you're old enough to look after yourself now, I'll be back in 9 hours when I'm finished work." There has to be some sliding scale of learned independence and responsibility. So when do you start? How long is long enough?

Having a bit of a Google on this subject there seem to be a few things that we can do to teach our children this independence and responsibility without being neglectful. They include:

• Ensure it happens in a safe place, like at home, not the Jupiter's Casino carpark. Can you believe 28 children were left in their parents car at Jupiters last year?
• Set clear ground rules, like what they can and cannot do, what they can eat, what to do if someone calls by or phones and then general family rules as well.
• Make sure they know how long you will be away, how they can contact you if they need you and where they can find other phone numbers if they can't get onto you.
• Follow through - that means being home when you said you would, making regular phone calls to check they are going ok and haven't had any problems, and talking through how they went when you do get home.

It still doesn't answer the questions "How old is old enough?" and "How long is long enough?" but since when was parenting an easy task?

The Birds, the Bees and the Guinea Pigs

Our family had a guinea pig die a couple of weeks ago. That left poor old Kit Kat on his own - not a good life for a guinea pig. After lots of discussion, it was decide that we should get a lady friend for Mr Kit Kat and allow them to have a family. Little did I know what that would mean for our little family.

On Saturday we found a 5 week old girl guinea pig with an unfortunate hair-do. Dubbed Princess Leia, she's been handled constantly since she's come home and I'm beginning to worry that she thinks she's human. Anyway, Princess Leia might be ready to have babies, but she's a bit too young to start a family, so she's having to live in a separate box, waiting to join the old boy. Can you see my dilemma here? Our children are learning all about abstinence at the moment and the curly questions just keep coming. My best answer to date is that Princess Leia is like a 15 year old, but she has to wait until she's 25 to have babies. I'm wondering if I shouldn't have said she's like a 20 year old waiting until she's 30, just to make sure, but I guess by the time my kids are that old they will have worked out the real answers anyway.

Nobody told me parenting would be quite like this. Do you find that happens a lot? I knew we'd have to talk about the cycle of life at some point, and we've done that with our older son, but this process has happened much quicker and much more openly. Being compared to a guinea pig is not such a nice thing, and that seems to be how my children are thinking of me at the moment.

Anyway, the good news is that they've found out from us first. With this world of cyberspace and global information, I still think it's important that kids learn their most important lessons at home. Whether that's how babies are made, how to get on with others, how to read or how to tie shoelaces. There's only so much we should pass onto others, and while teachers can clear up that the Great Wall of China was not built to keep the rabbits out, there are some things best talked about behind the front door.