Mother Guilt

I had two children home sick yesterday, one of them very ill. Yet, I had a work commitment that I needed to fulfil. Have you ever been in that boat?

In the end I settled the very sick child into bed with the phone and ran out the door, fixing up my work matter in one hour, and returning home to find him still fast asleep. As I was driving back home, I had a real sense of not being a good mother. What mother does that - leaves a sick child at home for work?

I've discovered in the last decade of mothering, that these decisions pop up all too often. Should I go on that work trip or stay and see that special concert? Will my child cope if I don't see them win a ribbon at the sports carnival because I've got a client to see? Is feeding my children toasted sandwiches for dinner really that bad when I've got so much work to do?

I've decided that parenting is all about the 51%. It doesn't matter what you do 49% of the time, as long as 51% of the time, you get it right, and throw in a few peak moments in the year where they know without a doubt that you love them to bits.

An article in The Australian on the weekend (25-26 July, Inquirer 19) covered just this topic of "The Struggle to Juggle". It said that the most telling finding from the Australian Work and Life Index 2009 were that a large proportion of women "feel rushed or pressed for time". The researchers felt this was because generally, all workers work more than the want, but also because women carry the major burden of running households.

It just reminded me that life is all about balance, maintaining the spheres of work, caring for yourself and your family, maintaining your home and having fun in some sort of functional equilibrium. I'm not saying it's easy though!

Mothers Day

Today is Mothers Day. It's my 11th year as a mother and my 36th with a mother. I've realised some important truths today about why Mothers Day is so important. I'm just sorry that it's taken me so long to work this out.

You see, as a kid, my family didn't celebrate Mothers Day. I don't remember having nice lunches or making Mum breakfast in bed. I can't even remember making her fancy homemade gifts at school and I don't remember ringing my grandmother in New Zealand either.

I think that was partly because my father was rarely at home and my mother wouldn't have drawn attention to herself. MyMum is a pretty humble lady who always downplays what she does.

But today, I've realised that Mothers Day is about saying thank you for all those things you haven't said thank you for over the year. The times Mum cleaned up the bedroom or did another load of washing. The days Mum stayed home when you were sick or rocked you to sleep when you were tired. The days that she cuddled you through your tears and spoke words of encouragement when you faced your fears. There are so many things that Mums do that go unthanked. I now realise I have a huge debt of Mothers Days to make up for.

These days, my thanks is more for stepping in and looking after the kids when I need a hand, or putting up with a change of plans when my life gets busy. My thanks is for accepting that I'm far from perfect and sometimes forget to call her. My thanks is for the opportunities she gives me to return the care she's given me over the years - cooking her meals and including her in the grandchildren's lives.

Mothers are the foundation of society. They teach children how to live in community and how to behave as adults. They are largely the unpaid workforce in society, that does the cooking, cleaning, childrearing and other volunteer work that keeps the economy going. Every mother deserves to feel valued today. I'm glad I got that right this year.

A New Path

Today I resigned from my job of nearly 4 years.

It was really hard to do. You see I'm not resigning because I don't like the job or I've got something else to go to. I'm quitting so that I've got more time to be with my kids.

I'm not stopping work altogether, but I am giving up a job I really love and feel valuable in. It's taken me some time to realise this is a decision I need to make for my family. But that doesn't mean it feels like the best choice for myself.

We've just come back from a trip around the outback. We've toured lots of museums that tell of what life was like in outback Australia in the 1800's. There were many tales of women who gave up everything -their own families, their country of birth, their position in society, their comfort, their safety and ultimately, their lives, so that farms could be settled on the fringes of settlement. This put into perspective my own position. I'm not leaving my house and I get to give something more to the people I love. I don't really have any reason to complain.

So starting tomorrow, I've decided to embrace the mindset of a pioneering mother:

• No more feeling sorry for myself about giving up what I want for others
• Looking for opportunities in everything that comes my way, even the things that don't seem to be going very well
• Being resourceful and making the most of what I have, not pining for the things I don't have
• Valuing every day I have with my children and husband and looking for ways to connect with each of them, individually, every day
• Connecting with other modern pioneer mothers who are doing their bit to shape the future generation
• Celebrating my motherhood by getting stuck into the jobs and then sitting down for a nice cup of tea on the patio

Life is good. I don't want to waste a day of it.

A Good Mother

Last night we had some excitement with a snake in our backyard. Unfortunately we found the snake in our guinea pig hutch after it had eaten the mother and killed one of our babies. We managed to save the 3 other babies, but there was a very sad mood over our house at bedtime.

This morning the kids have been talking about how the snake was just doing what it was made to do (thanks to Steve Irwin) and that Princess Leia was a very brave mother who gave up her own life to save her babies. The kids were impressed that that's what a mother does.

There's a passage in the Bible that identifies the traits of a good mother. It says that this mother is more precious than diamonds and deeply respected by her husband. This mother is never spiteful and is generous to all. She keeps a tidy and cheerful home and fills life with surprises. This good mother rises first in the house, prepares a hearty breakfast for her family and organises the day. She is careful with money, hard working and diligent. A good mother will help those around her in need and make sure that her family have all their needs met too. She faces each day with a smile and speaks with kindness. She's protective of the members of her family and makes sure they fulfill all their obligations outside of the home. This mother is so respected in the community that her husband is respected too.

I'm not sure that I come close to that high standard, but it does give me something to aim for. A little less yelling at the kids. A little more tolerance of their tantrums. Getting up cheerfully in the morning and thinking through all the things that need to be accomplished that day. Starting the day with a smile, kind words and a welcoming breakfast. These things aren't all that hard to do but will probably made all the difference.

My children already have a high opinion of me as a mother, so maybe I'm already on the road to being a good mother. It would be nice to think that one day they'll look back on my life and praise my motherhood like they did for Princess Leia this morning.

The Problem of Teeenage Girls

I was speaking to a parent this week about the pitfalls of parenting a teenage girl when it comes to back chatting, shaving legs and sibling rivalry. It's made me realise that my six-year old's "You did my hair wrong!" tantrums will get a lot worse than "I did my hair wrong!" ones.

There seem to be 2 main issues that trouble girls as they near the end of primary school - body concerns and friendship problems. The issues of body concerns often feed into friendship problems as young women seek to adjust how the look to 'fit in' with their peers. So what can we do as parents? Well these are my well-researched ideas:

1. Panic, eat a bar of chocolate, watch a movie with a happy ending and then sit down with a cup of tea and ponder adolescence.
2. Set a good example - don't change your own outfit 15 times before going out for dinner and don't keep trying different diets only to put on more weight that you started with.
3. Make food a source of pleasure and ensure your family is eating together around the table as often as possible.
4. Talk openly about body shape and bring up the disadvantages of being a stick insect.
5. Be willing to give in on the little things. Yes we all know that shaving your legs is a good thing to delay, but no teenager is going to believe you, so instead invest your energy in negotiating a workable compromise - when can they start, who will pay for all the stuff they need and what you're actually saying yes to.
6. Talk up exercise for all it's benefits - managing weight, stress relief, feeling positive and being social. One day they might actually believe you! Eat another chocolate bar and sit down with another movie - adolescence is a long road, and you're going to need to pace yourself!

Of course, some of these may be harmful to your own body image, so please consult your own common sense before implementing all of my suggestions.

Party Blues

My youngest child turns 6 this week, so we're gearing up for a very girly dancing birthday party on the weekend. I had suggested she invite 6 friends, she insisted that you couldn't have a party with anything less than 10, so by the time her brothers invite a friend for survival, I think I'm catering for around 15. Funny how the boys never argued about the size of the party. My eldest had his first sleepover party this year, when he and 3 friends slept in the tent. Of course, the little princess wanted a sleepover party too, but Dad and I firmly said "When you're ten too...", so we've survived that joy for much later.

I know this party will be horrendously tiring, well for me anyway. There will be some fancy cake to try and design from a round tin, square tin or ring tin, or some intricate combination of these. Then there's the pinata. I made a pinata for each of the boys when they turned 6, both of which turned out being a lolly fortress that had to be cut open. I'm actually hoping she won't remember that one. There will be the party games to think of, the yard to tidy up (and boy does that need some attention before the big day) and the party bags to make. Then there's the end-of-party/I'm-really-tired tantrum to survive when it's all over and I'm surrounded by a mess. But I'll do it anyway, because I know how special birthday parties make kids feel.

The beauty of birthday parties is that they celebrate milestones. Long ago milestones were celebrated for whole weeks with feasts and festivals and the entire community joined in. Reaching a certain age came with certain privileges and responsibilities. Young people grew into adulthood through a series of steps where adults guided their thinking and behaviour. As education has become more formalised, I think much of that social education has been lost, and that's why we see young men in their early 20's still acting like teenagers and putting their own lives and those of others at risk.

I'm not saying we should return to initiation rites or anything like that, but as a parent it makes me think about the question, "How am I breaking the passage to adulthood into steps?"

Such deep thinking like this will have to wait until I've make my "pin the crown on the princess" game.

Handbag Adventures

I heard a couple of guys talking on the radio yesterday about the Queen and how she always has a different handbag. They said they'd love to know what she actually had in her handbag. That got me thinking, what would she have?

A photo of the corgis and the grand kids?
Some tissues and a bit of lippy?
After all, I can't imagine that she needs any money, keys or even a driver's licence. That's what all those servants are for, isn't it?

Then I had a think about what my handbag says about me. Hmmm, well apart from the usual things like keys and a wallet, there's a scrunched up Woolies docket, a packet of Bandaids and Panadol, some tissues and a lip gloss.

Then I thought I'd have a good old clean out and this is what I found: three plastic army men (you can never have enough of them can you?); a bead necklace made with love and care; a squished Mintie someone through in there at a party the other day; these earrings I've been looking for, and; a $30 Target exchange coupon that expires in four days time.

As you can see, it was quite a good find. So what does this say about me? Clearly it says 'MUM'. I was hoping it says beautiful, sophisticated and successful, but I think it just says daggy, struggling-with-all-those-interest-rate-rises but loved. That that's wehn I threw it all back in and made myself a cup of tea. After all, what could be more valuable that being loved?