A Night To Remember

My son's Year 3 class is putting on a concert for the end of the year. His teacher has decided to relive World Expo 88 in an all-singing, all-dancing routine involving 50 kids, a movie set and a costume department.

The bad mother in me is really struggling to get enthusiastic about this one. You see, I went back to World Expo 88 just 3 years ago when my oldest boy was in this teacher's class. Expo wasn't at all like I remembered it. It seemed to drag on for hours, with each song leading to another one. My daughter was sick with an ear infection and languished on my knee for the entire show, while I sat on one of those tiny seats they use in Year 1 that never quite accommodate an adult bottom or back.

My son who is soon to be a star, spent that Expo, sobbing on my other knee after he tripped on the concrete, skinning both knees and an elbow. And then, to top off a fantastic night, my eldest son spent the night dancing and prancing with a sore arm that we'd had x-rayed the day before. First thing the next morning we were back at the hospital getting the plaster on, after they'd had another look at the x-ray and found a break.

So how do I put aside my bias and embrace this concert with joy? I'm trying to look at it through my son's eyes. The excitement of costumes, props and dress rehearsals. The after party and adoring fans. Yep, I'm getting a little more excited. I'm thinking of that big grin when he sees his family in the audience cheering him on.

The Latchkey

You'll have read in the paper or heard on the news a while back about the new laws relating to leaving children at home alone. Of course the law is still quite ambiguous, in that it doesn't tell us how long is an unreasonable amount of time, but it does say that it applies to children under 12 years of age.

This is one of those tricky parenting dilemmas I think. After all, you can't just turn around the day they turn 12 and say 'Right-e-oh, you're old enough to look after yourself now, I'll be back in 9 hours when I'm finished work." There has to be some sliding scale of learned independence and responsibility. So when do you start? How long is long enough?

Having a bit of a Google on this subject there seem to be a few things that we can do to teach our children this independence and responsibility without being neglectful. They include:

• Ensure it happens in a safe place, like at home, not the Jupiter's Casino carpark. Can you believe 28 children were left in their parents car at Jupiters last year?
• Set clear ground rules, like what they can and cannot do, what they can eat, what to do if someone calls by or phones and then general family rules as well.
• Make sure they know how long you will be away, how they can contact you if they need you and where they can find other phone numbers if they can't get onto you.
• Follow through - that means being home when you said you would, making regular phone calls to check they are going ok and haven't had any problems, and talking through how they went when you do get home.

It still doesn't answer the questions "How old is old enough?" and "How long is long enough?" but since when was parenting an easy task?

Swim Fest

My kids had a swim meet for their swimming club on Saturday. It was a great day and thankfully the storms held off and didn't spoil the carnival. We came home with piles of wet towels and clothes, a first, 4 seconds, a third, 4 competitor ribbons and a swag of PB's. If you're not a swimming family, then PB stands for 'Personal Best' and that's what you're striving to improve each time you race. But once we got home it all came unravelled, and PB turned into 'Pain in the Butt'.

You see it is a truth universally acknowledged that a child in possession of competitor ribbons will think they're a bad swimmer. Particularly when their 6 year old sister is waving 4 second ribbons in their face. It doesn't matter that they took 2 seconds off their PB in 2 strokes, they still came last and life might as well stop right now. You can't really take your PBs to school for show and tell now, can you?

Well after much discussion I'm hopeful we've got it straight that ribbons will fade or get lost somewhere in the bedroom, whereas a PB stands forever. I'm hoping that he'll find the strength within himself to have another go at racing later in the week, but in the meantime we're not really talking about it.

So what does this mean for mankind? I think too often we forget that kids are just like adults and like a physical reminder of their success. A competitor ribbon just doesn't cut it. That means we need to look for ways to help kids show what they are good at and how good they are. Self esteem is built on the understanding that you're important and valuable. You can't have self esteem without being good at something. Whether that's maths, drawing, playing an instrument, playing a sport, leading a group, cooking or something else. As parents, our number 1 job is helping kids find what they are good at, nurturing that talent or interest and then celebrating it loudly and proudly.

In the Bag

My eldest son is on his first school camp this week. Just 2 nights away from home but we've packed enough to last a week, so all should go well. We had a very difficult time seeing him off as it seems he didn't want to go in the end. As a child who doesn't really like change, I can understand why he behaved the way he did, but boy was it hard at the time. There was plenty of screaming and throwing shoes. Lots of excuses and arguements too. But in the end we dragged him to school and threw him on the bus, waving him off with smiles plastered on our faces.

I'm betting that when the bus pulls up at the end of the camp, he'll be one of the last off and will have erased all the leaving unpleasantness from his memory. And Dad and I will be standing there with smiles wondering why we had to go through all that angst.

I've spoken to many kids over the years about going on camp and found that many find the first trip away from home daunting. School camps give kids an opportunity to develop skills they can't learn quite as well in the classroom or at home. There's the self-responsibility that come with looking after your own clothing, making your own bed and turning up where you're expected to be at the required time. Then there's the challenging activities thrown at them, like rock climbing or hiking or camping out or teamwork tasks. These activities help kids think of themselves in the context of others and see themselves as someone who can give as well as take. Finally, there are the little details, like eating with good manners, having a shower every day (which is more of a problem for boys than girls), going to the toilet at the right time and leaving the boys alone (this one's for the girls).

When it's your turn for a child to go on camp, I'd encourage you to talk the trip up. Not only will you have a few nights without your darling, but you'll give them an opportunity to take a small step towards their adult self. In the meantime, I have a an early dinner to cook for the other kids and a movie lined up with my husband....before all that washing arrives home again.

Gladiators

You know everything's right in the world when Gladiators is back on TV again. Interest rate rises, the Taliban and Pakistani cricket problems all pale into insignificance when those bold men and women slap on their lycra.

I had fond memories of watching Gladiators with my family, but my husband's pointed out that I'm too old to have done that, so it must have be It's a Knockout, another quality show from that era. But curled up on the couch with the kids I did feel some sense of history repeating itself.

Watching it as more of an adult than last time, there were some interesting things about the show last Saturday. The first was that they all wore mouthguards, padding and safety harnesses. We couldn't remember the gladiators of old stopping to clip onto the safety line, or spitting out their mouthguard before they made some comment on the state of the game. And that was the other thing, the speaking. There were a few gladiators who could string a coherent sentence together, but some of them seemed more comfortable with saying just a few words without much concern for whether they made sense. My daughter also raised the question of why the girls needed to have their togs on when they didn't go swimming, which is a valid question.

I'm not sure how long the show will last, surely not too many competitors will put their hand up to humiliate themselves on national television, but I do know where I'll be this Sunday night. I can guarantee that I'll have at least one child wriggling around next to me, and I'll be loving every minute of that show!

The Birds, the Bees and the Guinea Pigs

Our family had a guinea pig die a couple of weeks ago. That left poor old Kit Kat on his own - not a good life for a guinea pig. After lots of discussion, it was decide that we should get a lady friend for Mr Kit Kat and allow them to have a family. Little did I know what that would mean for our little family.

On Saturday we found a 5 week old girl guinea pig with an unfortunate hair-do. Dubbed Princess Leia, she's been handled constantly since she's come home and I'm beginning to worry that she thinks she's human. Anyway, Princess Leia might be ready to have babies, but she's a bit too young to start a family, so she's having to live in a separate box, waiting to join the old boy. Can you see my dilemma here? Our children are learning all about abstinence at the moment and the curly questions just keep coming. My best answer to date is that Princess Leia is like a 15 year old, but she has to wait until she's 25 to have babies. I'm wondering if I shouldn't have said she's like a 20 year old waiting until she's 30, just to make sure, but I guess by the time my kids are that old they will have worked out the real answers anyway.

Nobody told me parenting would be quite like this. Do you find that happens a lot? I knew we'd have to talk about the cycle of life at some point, and we've done that with our older son, but this process has happened much quicker and much more openly. Being compared to a guinea pig is not such a nice thing, and that seems to be how my children are thinking of me at the moment.

Anyway, the good news is that they've found out from us first. With this world of cyberspace and global information, I still think it's important that kids learn their most important lessons at home. Whether that's how babies are made, how to get on with others, how to read or how to tie shoelaces. There's only so much we should pass onto others, and while teachers can clear up that the Great Wall of China was not built to keep the rabbits out, there are some things best talked about behind the front door.

Party Blues

My youngest child turns 6 this week, so we're gearing up for a very girly dancing birthday party on the weekend. I had suggested she invite 6 friends, she insisted that you couldn't have a party with anything less than 10, so by the time her brothers invite a friend for survival, I think I'm catering for around 15. Funny how the boys never argued about the size of the party. My eldest had his first sleepover party this year, when he and 3 friends slept in the tent. Of course, the little princess wanted a sleepover party too, but Dad and I firmly said "When you're ten too...", so we've survived that joy for much later.

I know this party will be horrendously tiring, well for me anyway. There will be some fancy cake to try and design from a round tin, square tin or ring tin, or some intricate combination of these. Then there's the pinata. I made a pinata for each of the boys when they turned 6, both of which turned out being a lolly fortress that had to be cut open. I'm actually hoping she won't remember that one. There will be the party games to think of, the yard to tidy up (and boy does that need some attention before the big day) and the party bags to make. Then there's the end-of-party/I'm-really-tired tantrum to survive when it's all over and I'm surrounded by a mess. But I'll do it anyway, because I know how special birthday parties make kids feel.

The beauty of birthday parties is that they celebrate milestones. Long ago milestones were celebrated for whole weeks with feasts and festivals and the entire community joined in. Reaching a certain age came with certain privileges and responsibilities. Young people grew into adulthood through a series of steps where adults guided their thinking and behaviour. As education has become more formalised, I think much of that social education has been lost, and that's why we see young men in their early 20's still acting like teenagers and putting their own lives and those of others at risk.

I'm not saying we should return to initiation rites or anything like that, but as a parent it makes me think about the question, "How am I breaking the passage to adulthood into steps?"

Such deep thinking like this will have to wait until I've make my "pin the crown on the princess" game.

Sticking to it...

This year I'm coaching my daughter's under 7 hockey team. I have eleven 5 and 6 year olds in the team and let me tell you, coaching junior sport is up there with childbirth, particularly when they all have a lump of wood in their hands.

I never realised how difficult it is to teach children really basic skills like dribbling the ball, passing and trapping, while at the same time trying to teach them how the game works. Each skills has to be introduced and then broken down into as many steps as possible and practiced over and over and over again. The difficulty of teaching such young girls is that while doing this I need to make sure that everyone is busy and that we stick to a good routine, but have different ways of practicing the skill. I'm absolutely worn out by the end of each training run and game!

It made me realise how much we as adults take for granted the learning process that our kids encounter at school each day. Learning to read involves the same skills as learning to play hockey - individual strategies are taught in the context of overall reading, followed by lots of practice. We can help our kids learn new skills by helping them to see the small steps in each skill, whether that's learning to cook, multiplication or how to tie shoelaces.

In the meantime, I've a game of "What's the Time Mr Wolf-with-hockey-sticks" to get ready for....

Scavenging

Our suburb is having it's kerbside clean-up and it's been a topic of great fascination at our dinner table and in discussions with the kids' friends.

The kids were keen to go scavenging, which is enough to strike fear into the heart of any mother. My children seem to take the 'one man's rubbish is another's treasure' as a mission and bring all sorts of junk home.

After a bit of looking (as much as I could cope with anyway) all we brought home was a tyre to hang in the big jacaranda tree down the back as a swing. I asked the kids to take it down the back and next I see them all down at the back neighbour's fence looking rather guilty. As it turned out they'd decided the quickest way to move the tyre was to roll it down. They did that and then it continued to roll through the fence and into their backyard. All I could do was laugh! Thankfully, no damage was caused to their immaculate house or gardens and the tyre has since been retrieved and tied up into the tree.

Scavenging junk is about seeing the positives in something that's been discarded. Everyday, in my work as a chaplain I encountered kids, mums and dads who feel discarded because they can only see the negatives and don't feel valued. I'm continually amazed how people transform their lives when they start to see their positives and feel success. So while I'm happy we only have these council clean-ups every second year, people-'scavenging' is much more rewarding and can come around as often as it likes.

Worry Warts

Two years ago my eldest son got very stressed over the Year 3 test that required us to seek counselling for a number of months afterwards. We've never really worked out what happened, but his teacher told us he 'froze' on the day and had to be prompted to keep going. I thought we'd done everything right - we'd played down the importance of the test, told him that we all knew how good he was and the test wasn't going to tell us anything we didn't know, all sorts of things, but he still seemed to spiral into this depression that is quite scary to watch in an 8 year old.

I've since realised that some kids are just more anxious than others and struggle with new experiences like this. If you've got a child who's prone to worrying, then perhaps one of these things might help you:

• Keep them busy with something they like after they've done the things they need to do. Its really important not to throw the regular routines out, but add in something extra so they don't have time to worry.
• Feed them well. Kids who worry tend to go off their food which seems to fuel the body's reaction to stress, creating a vicous cycle.
• Keep them active. Add in a play in the park each afternoon, or a kick of the footy on the way home. The chemicals our body releases in exercise are natural stress-busters.
• Get them to bed well. Getting kids to bed by 8pm or 8.30 at the latest ensures they have enough sleep to function well the next day. Make sure that the preparation for bed is as relaxing as possible - give them a shower, have a cuddle and a chat, then put on some music or better still, read them a book. Touch and talk are valuable anti-stress tools.

And for all those parents with kids who wouldn't have a clue that anything different is happening - take a deep breathe and be thankful, I'm sure your turn will come with something else. That's how parenting works isn't it?

Anzac Memoirs

My son has been practicing the Last Post for Anzac Day at school He's been practicing everyday for the last 3 months and I know he's got it sounding good because last week I even found myself humming it.

Our neighbours will probably welcome a break from it, with the trumpet ringing out with that emotional tune around 8am everyday, but it's been a good chance for him to practice some persistence and to think of people other than himself.

When I think of those soldiers in the fields of Flanders, or hanging to the cliffs of Gallipoli, I think persistence is a good word to describe their strength of character. Particularly in World War 1 when so many young people signed up for adventure and instead got horror, I think their willingness to finish the task against all common sense and in the most trying of conditions, shows great character.

I'm hopeful than none of my children will have to go to war, and I'm thankful that a modern war would not be like that anyway, but I think we all owe it to those men and women to be thankful for the life we have, however ordinary that might seem.

Handbag Adventures

I heard a couple of guys talking on the radio yesterday about the Queen and how she always has a different handbag. They said they'd love to know what she actually had in her handbag. That got me thinking, what would she have?

A photo of the corgis and the grand kids?
Some tissues and a bit of lippy?
After all, I can't imagine that she needs any money, keys or even a driver's licence. That's what all those servants are for, isn't it?

Then I had a think about what my handbag says about me. Hmmm, well apart from the usual things like keys and a wallet, there's a scrunched up Woolies docket, a packet of Bandaids and Panadol, some tissues and a lip gloss.

Then I thought I'd have a good old clean out and this is what I found: three plastic army men (you can never have enough of them can you?); a bead necklace made with love and care; a squished Mintie someone through in there at a party the other day; these earrings I've been looking for, and; a $30 Target exchange coupon that expires in four days time.

As you can see, it was quite a good find. So what does this say about me? Clearly it says 'MUM'. I was hoping it says beautiful, sophisticated and successful, but I think it just says daggy, struggling-with-all-those-interest-rate-rises but loved. That that's wehn I threw it all back in and made myself a cup of tea. After all, what could be more valuable that being loved?