For Crying Out Loud

One of my favourite authors wrote, "Why do tears make people treat you like a five-year-old when usually they mean something really grown-up is going on inside?"

I know that feeling. There are plenty of times where tears come as an emotional response to something, but others interpret them as weakness. But do tears mean that you're weak or child-like?

The Bible says "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." - Psalm 126:5

I think this means that life is meant to be joyful, but at times we have to embrace the sadness to see how wonderful the good things are. We live in a world that skews to the pessimistic side of life. But I think it's important to actually see the good things in life and keep sorrow in it's place.

The other week my son was swimming at the district trials. He came 3rd last in backstroke but got a 3 second PB, so he went down to the butterfly races feeling confident. At the end of that race he'd come last and been disqualified because his stroke wasn't quite right. Next I know he's in a pool of tears and never swimming again. He's hopeless at butterfly and backstroke (forget about that PB now) and might as well give up all together. This carried on for about an hour and half and only really stopped when it was time to get ready to swim freestyle. Somewhere deep in that body he found the confidence to have one last go. While he didn't do any superhuman Olympic-worthy swim, he did win his heat and get a small PB. We went home to celebrate as quickly as we could - there was no way I was letting that winning feeling slide again!

That was just one small step in teaching my son that sorrows and joys are linked and don't actually cancel each other out. Perhaps I just need to remember that in my own life too. When I'm tired and weary from working and the house is untidy and there's nothing much for dinner because I haven't had time to shop - there's still a loving family who treasure me more than a house and fancy dinners. When I feel sick but need to keep going and look after the kids - my tears are a helpful step in knowing that there is joy just around the corner, when I'm well again.

Crab Capers

We've just got back from our annual January camping trip. This trip has been one of the things that helps us press the reset button at the beginning of each year, and the highlight of the week is the nightly crabbing excursion. If you've never been crabbing, then allow me to explain.

You take a bucket or two, a few children and some torches and head to the beach in search of crabs. Upon locating a crab the entire group must yell "Crab, Crab!" and one child is chosen to catch the crab. While the catching is taking place, all the other children must scream and squeal at the top of their voices ad an adult must hover with a bucket nearby to receive the crab.

After collecting plenty of crabs, a large circle is drawn in the sand and the bucket is upturned. The crab who crosses the line first is named champion and then all the children and adults trudge home, ensuring that the maximum amount of sand returns to be deposited in the tent.

Each night of this routing brings much joy to our family and reminds me what life is all about. Things like school and work aren't the main event, just the supporting act. Joyfully relating to those closest to you is what makes most of us tick.

A Night To Remember

My son's Year 3 class is putting on a concert for the end of the year. His teacher has decided to relive World Expo 88 in an all-singing, all-dancing routine involving 50 kids, a movie set and a costume department.

The bad mother in me is really struggling to get enthusiastic about this one. You see, I went back to World Expo 88 just 3 years ago when my oldest boy was in this teacher's class. Expo wasn't at all like I remembered it. It seemed to drag on for hours, with each song leading to another one. My daughter was sick with an ear infection and languished on my knee for the entire show, while I sat on one of those tiny seats they use in Year 1 that never quite accommodate an adult bottom or back.

My son who is soon to be a star, spent that Expo, sobbing on my other knee after he tripped on the concrete, skinning both knees and an elbow. And then, to top off a fantastic night, my eldest son spent the night dancing and prancing with a sore arm that we'd had x-rayed the day before. First thing the next morning we were back at the hospital getting the plaster on, after they'd had another look at the x-ray and found a break.

So how do I put aside my bias and embrace this concert with joy? I'm trying to look at it through my son's eyes. The excitement of costumes, props and dress rehearsals. The after party and adoring fans. Yep, I'm getting a little more excited. I'm thinking of that big grin when he sees his family in the audience cheering him on.

The Latchkey

You'll have read in the paper or heard on the news a while back about the new laws relating to leaving children at home alone. Of course the law is still quite ambiguous, in that it doesn't tell us how long is an unreasonable amount of time, but it does say that it applies to children under 12 years of age.

This is one of those tricky parenting dilemmas I think. After all, you can't just turn around the day they turn 12 and say 'Right-e-oh, you're old enough to look after yourself now, I'll be back in 9 hours when I'm finished work." There has to be some sliding scale of learned independence and responsibility. So when do you start? How long is long enough?

Having a bit of a Google on this subject there seem to be a few things that we can do to teach our children this independence and responsibility without being neglectful. They include:

• Ensure it happens in a safe place, like at home, not the Jupiter's Casino carpark. Can you believe 28 children were left in their parents car at Jupiters last year?
• Set clear ground rules, like what they can and cannot do, what they can eat, what to do if someone calls by or phones and then general family rules as well.
• Make sure they know how long you will be away, how they can contact you if they need you and where they can find other phone numbers if they can't get onto you.
• Follow through - that means being home when you said you would, making regular phone calls to check they are going ok and haven't had any problems, and talking through how they went when you do get home.

It still doesn't answer the questions "How old is old enough?" and "How long is long enough?" but since when was parenting an easy task?

Swim Fest

My kids had a swim meet for their swimming club on Saturday. It was a great day and thankfully the storms held off and didn't spoil the carnival. We came home with piles of wet towels and clothes, a first, 4 seconds, a third, 4 competitor ribbons and a swag of PB's. If you're not a swimming family, then PB stands for 'Personal Best' and that's what you're striving to improve each time you race. But once we got home it all came unravelled, and PB turned into 'Pain in the Butt'.

You see it is a truth universally acknowledged that a child in possession of competitor ribbons will think they're a bad swimmer. Particularly when their 6 year old sister is waving 4 second ribbons in their face. It doesn't matter that they took 2 seconds off their PB in 2 strokes, they still came last and life might as well stop right now. You can't really take your PBs to school for show and tell now, can you?

Well after much discussion I'm hopeful we've got it straight that ribbons will fade or get lost somewhere in the bedroom, whereas a PB stands forever. I'm hoping that he'll find the strength within himself to have another go at racing later in the week, but in the meantime we're not really talking about it.

So what does this mean for mankind? I think too often we forget that kids are just like adults and like a physical reminder of their success. A competitor ribbon just doesn't cut it. That means we need to look for ways to help kids show what they are good at and how good they are. Self esteem is built on the understanding that you're important and valuable. You can't have self esteem without being good at something. Whether that's maths, drawing, playing an instrument, playing a sport, leading a group, cooking or something else. As parents, our number 1 job is helping kids find what they are good at, nurturing that talent or interest and then celebrating it loudly and proudly.

In the Bag

My eldest son is on his first school camp this week. Just 2 nights away from home but we've packed enough to last a week, so all should go well. We had a very difficult time seeing him off as it seems he didn't want to go in the end. As a child who doesn't really like change, I can understand why he behaved the way he did, but boy was it hard at the time. There was plenty of screaming and throwing shoes. Lots of excuses and arguements too. But in the end we dragged him to school and threw him on the bus, waving him off with smiles plastered on our faces.

I'm betting that when the bus pulls up at the end of the camp, he'll be one of the last off and will have erased all the leaving unpleasantness from his memory. And Dad and I will be standing there with smiles wondering why we had to go through all that angst.

I've spoken to many kids over the years about going on camp and found that many find the first trip away from home daunting. School camps give kids an opportunity to develop skills they can't learn quite as well in the classroom or at home. There's the self-responsibility that come with looking after your own clothing, making your own bed and turning up where you're expected to be at the required time. Then there's the challenging activities thrown at them, like rock climbing or hiking or camping out or teamwork tasks. These activities help kids think of themselves in the context of others and see themselves as someone who can give as well as take. Finally, there are the little details, like eating with good manners, having a shower every day (which is more of a problem for boys than girls), going to the toilet at the right time and leaving the boys alone (this one's for the girls).

When it's your turn for a child to go on camp, I'd encourage you to talk the trip up. Not only will you have a few nights without your darling, but you'll give them an opportunity to take a small step towards their adult self. In the meantime, I have a an early dinner to cook for the other kids and a movie lined up with my husband....before all that washing arrives home again.

Gladiators

You know everything's right in the world when Gladiators is back on TV again. Interest rate rises, the Taliban and Pakistani cricket problems all pale into insignificance when those bold men and women slap on their lycra.

I had fond memories of watching Gladiators with my family, but my husband's pointed out that I'm too old to have done that, so it must have be It's a Knockout, another quality show from that era. But curled up on the couch with the kids I did feel some sense of history repeating itself.

Watching it as more of an adult than last time, there were some interesting things about the show last Saturday. The first was that they all wore mouthguards, padding and safety harnesses. We couldn't remember the gladiators of old stopping to clip onto the safety line, or spitting out their mouthguard before they made some comment on the state of the game. And that was the other thing, the speaking. There were a few gladiators who could string a coherent sentence together, but some of them seemed more comfortable with saying just a few words without much concern for whether they made sense. My daughter also raised the question of why the girls needed to have their togs on when they didn't go swimming, which is a valid question.

I'm not sure how long the show will last, surely not too many competitors will put their hand up to humiliate themselves on national television, but I do know where I'll be this Sunday night. I can guarantee that I'll have at least one child wriggling around next to me, and I'll be loving every minute of that show!